I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
-Buzz Aldrin
You know, the metric system has definite advantages. I've been pondering this ever since I stepped on the scale. Let me tell you, your self confidence shoots WAY up when you discover that you've magically lost 110 pounds. It can make your day go better than any day you have ever experienced. This excess boost of confidence helps you get through jet lag and finally when your brain decides to function again you realize....kilograms. In all honesty though, 90 sounds so much better than 200 in any weight related conversation.
I have officially lost 30 pounds. Don't let this shock you or make you think "Matt is wasting away into nothing." I can assure you that I am not. I gained 30 pounds while I was in Montana and now they are gone! I can see my toes again!
This dramatic transformation has not come easily.
In addition to doing major portion control I have been...cardiosizing. It's a new word I have coined. "Cardio workout" seems too friendly in my opinion, "cardiosizing" effectively adds the negative connotation of the word "exercising" without totally freaking people out. Here are step by step instructions on how to do your own cardiosizing!
1) Spend 3-5 hours on youtube searching for the perfect cardio workout. Eat some ice cream if you get hungry.
2) Wait till night and then turn off all the lights so there is no possible way to make a fool of yourself even if window peepers run rampant in your community.
3) Sit on your bed and give yourself a long pep-talk about the benefits of cardiosize.
4) Stand up.
5) Turn on the perfect cardio workout video that you found in Step 1.
6) Follow the instructions. If there's an exercise that looks too hard, skip it.
7) Halfway through the program (about 5 minutes) your legs will collapse from under you. Lie on the floor panting.
8) Drag yourself up onto your bed using only your arms.
9) Lie on your bed panting for about a half hour.
10) Decide you need some water.
11) Attempt to get out of bed.
12) Realize that your legs still don't work.
13) Give up, lie back down on your bed, pant for about another half-hour and then slowly drift into a fitful sleep.
There you go! If you do this nightly you will loose 30 pounds in no time!
Good luck!
-Matthias
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1 comments:
Matt, you are hi-larious. And goodness, you make me feel better about the weight gain. You said we would all gain ten and that is indeed what I gained. I was not at all happy about this, but know that in addition to you, there were others who gained more. This should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I think that I will give your cardiosizing a try. It sounds like something I can really get into. Thanks for enlightening me to this great new "workout" plan!
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